Now when our hearts were depressed, and we were about to turn back, behold,
the Lord comforted us, and said: Go amongst thy brethren, the Lamanites,
and bear with patience thine afflictions, and I will give unto you success.
All throughout life we encounter trials. Some can be small and others can be huge. Through each trial, we learn, grow, develop and become stronger. The duration of each trial can vary and the way you overcome it can also vary. Sometimes you may require outside help, sometimes a prayer is all you need. And sometimes, the trial at hand can seem too overwhelming to bear.
Each of us has our own battles to win and there is no knowing what one is dealing with on any given day. Some people so willingly express what they are going through and others tend to silently battle alone. However you deal with it, is up to you.
Today I wanted to talk about a trial my husband and I are currently going through. There is no knowing when the trial will end, nor is there any way of knowing what is to come. We cannot see the end of it nor at this time can we see the start. There are very few who know what we are dealing with at the moment and the reason is not what you think. We are not ashamed, nor are we embarrassed. We simply just don’t know how to deal. The trial we are facing is more common than you would think, however there is still a sort of taboo surrounding the topic. I’m hoping that today I can make a start in breaking the taboo and helping someone else going through the same thing as us, to know they aren’t alone and it’s ok.
Ever since my husband and I started getting serious, we always enjoyed talking about the day we would start our own family. We got excited about the idea that one day half of me and half of him would make up a little miracle in our life. We eagerly looked forward to the day we would find out we were to be parents. Once we had gotten settled and the right time had come, we decided to start trying.
Month after month we were met with disappointment. We each dealt with the let down in our own way. We questioned a lot. We were confused, discouraged and hurt. It seemed that everyone around us was getting pregnant and while we were so happy and excited for them, there was still that pain and longing over the fact that we still weren’t.
Before I continue, I just wanted to touch on the feelings I felt. At the time, we had no idea what was going on. We just assumed it wasn’t the right time and to keep trying. However, I started to get an inkling that maybe something was wrong. It’s easy to start feeling like something is wrong with you when everyone else is having babies and you aren’t. It’s easy to feel left out, discouraged, depressed and more. It’s easy to feel like maybe you’re doing something wrong or not doing enough. To feel like you aren’t deserving of being parents or maybe that you aren’t meant to be. So many thoughts swirl around in your mind and the longer the disappointment, the worse it gets.
When I was working, my workplace was right opposite a midwives clinic and right next to radiology. Day after day I would see couples going in for appointments and scans and I couldn’t help but feel jealous. Day after day I would see expectant mothers standing outside my workplace, smoking while rubbing their growing bellies and I would think to myself, how can they be pregnant when they don’t even appreciate the blessing they have? I’m doing all the right things in life yet I have nothing. It got to a point where I could no longer look anywhere but my desk for fear of my thoughts getting worse.
As with any married couple, the questions start coming; when are the kids coming? Are you pregnant yet? All innocent questions yet the pain still stays. I would smile and say not yet, hopefully soon, all the while not knowing if that were even true. As babies start being born and you spend time with them, people comment on how good you are with kids or how their baby would love a friend and while you smile and love their baby like your own, there’s nothing more you want than to actually have your own. With all the love you have to give, it’s never enough to help with the longing you feel of wanting your own.
So fast forward to July. After 16 months of nothing, we decided it was time for answers. Another month of waiting and we finally saw a fertility doctor. While it was good to finally get answers, it was equally upsetting at the same time. Medically speaking, we are unable to have kids naturally. The only way is through IVF. After 17 months of no answers, we finally have our answer. Now here’s the upsetting thing. While we now know what’s wrong, we also found out how long we will have to wait for what we want most in this world… 12-18 months. The way public funding works in New Zealand is there is a waiting list. You must meet certain criteria to qualify for public funding and once you do, you’re on the waiting list. Until your name hits the top of that list, you’re left waiting. For the next 12-18 months, we can only dream of being parents and still we don’t know if that will even work.
Yes you could argue that there is always adoption but until you feel what we feel, you would understand that it still isn’t the same. Yes you could love the child as your own and they will be yours, but having the feeling of carrying your own baby, being there to feel and be present in the small milestones of that.. There really is nothing to compare to that. While adoption can and will be an option at the end of the road, even then it is a long and emotionally draining process that doesn’t guarantee a child either.
Sometimes I’m left questioning if we’ve done something wrong to deserve this. I know the Lord never gives us trials we can’t handle but at the moment, I’m struggling to see how this is something we can’t handle. We both want to be parents. We both want to fulfill the commandment of nurturing and raising a family in this gospel. We are doing all we feel is right yet we can’t. While I have faith in His plan for me and for us, it is hard to understand and at times accept it.
I apologise now if this is a down in the dumps post. Infertility is like that. It’s a touchy subject that can bring out many different emotions. It can make you uncomfortable, it can make you reflective and it can make you question everything you know. It requires patience, long suffering, hope, faith and a whole lot of love. It can strengthen relationships and also test them.
I don’t know what the next 12-18 months holds for us and I don’t know how we will react to the trials to come. What I do know is we will continue to endure. We will continue to grow, develop and strengthen the relationship we have so when our miracles come, we are ready to be the best caregivers for them as they deserve. We will continue to love the babies around us and treat them as we would our own. We will thrive on love and positivity and look forward to the future and what it may bring.
I hope once our journey is over, that I can look back on this post and realise that it was all worth it. I hope I’ll be reading this with a miracle in my arms and the feelings and emotions spoken about today will be distant memories. I hope that during our journey we will meet and connect with others who may be on the same or similar path to us and I hope more than anything I’m able to help someone realise that I’m with them all the way.
If you know us personally, don’t feel worried about how you should act around us and definitely don’t withhold your baby news or your babies from us! We love our nieces and nephews and all the babies around us. It is a blessing to love your babies while we go through the wait for ours.
If you’re struggling with Infertility or know someone who has, I would love to hear your story and would love for you to know I’m thinking of you.
Mr & Mrs Yolo xoxo