First and foremost, happy anniversary to my love. It’s been a crazy 2 years but there’s no one I would rather do life with than you.
In honor of our anniversary, I wanted to take a look back at the last 2 years and what marriage has taught me. Of course, we can scroll through every post posted in that time as well and see where my head space and relationship was at the time, but like anything, you learn and grow over time and through experiences and hindsight is pretty amazing after the fact.
If this is long, I apologize, and while I hope you are able to relate and take something from this, I more specifically dedicate and write this post to my hubby.
Marriage is nothing like what I imagined.
I’m sure I’ve said it before, but growing up, I romanticized the idea of marriage and what it entailed. My perception of marriage was intertwined with every romantic movie and every fairy dust kissed bedtime story I had ever heard or read. My idea of reality was tangled in fairytales. While I had wonderful role models of what marriage should be growing up, even then I still found faults and told myself I wouldn’t be like that. While I had every intention of living my own fairytale life, saying I do brought me into the real world. It opened my eyes to the world of bills, time deficiency, conflict, disagreements and arguments, sadness, loneliness, unforeseen habits and annoying ticks, sickness, compromise and so much more. My fantasy world that was easy and fun was replaced by the reality that is marriage. Contrary to the way this might sound following that statement, marriage really is the best. You see, it took reality to show me that my fairytale marriage can exist, but in replacement of fairy dust and filters, it takes hard work, communication, goals, compromise and so much more to create the fairytale I wanted and dreamed for myself.
I changed because of my marriage.
While this could be perceived as negative or unnecessary, it takes understanding the statement to see how this has positively affected both me and my husband. All my life I’ve had a single person mentality; the reason is because I’ve never had to depend solely on someone else. I’ve never lived with anyone else, nor have I lived for someone else. It’s always been ultimately me. Marriage and dating are 2 completely separate worlds and can’t really be compared to each other; especially in my personal circumstances. I’ve never lived with another person before, I’ve never had to think of someone else other than me, never been in a singular dependent relationship and I’ve never been married. Everything about marriage is new to me. Since being married, my whole being has changed from a single mindset to a now married mindset. I no longer live for just me, but rather my husband and our future family. I no longer conduct myself as a single individual, but rather a married individual. My relationships with friends have changed, my priorities have changed and ultimately I have changed to reflect the kind of wife and future mother I would like to be. In all honesty, I like the woman I am now, for many reasons. One, because it has opened my eyes to a lot of the struggles and inner conflict my mother has had to endure with raising the kids in our family. Two, it has given me a greater respect and understanding for the sanctity of marriage and the blessing it truly is. Three, I have developed qualities I had aspired to attain but never really strived to develop. I suppose I could have only developed and appreciated these qualities based on the experiences I’ve had since being married, but also I don’t think I would have had the maturity to really understand how important they were to have.
My understanding of love has completely overturned my expectation of love.
I suppose the understanding comes with maturity and experience but ultimately my marriage has taught me a lot about love. My expectations were unrealistic and unattainable. They were not something to be strived for in any way because it would only lead to disappointment and honestly a waste of time. Once I understood that love is different and manifests itself differently for others, then I was more accepting and appreciative of the love between me and my husband. I used to compare our relationship a lot to outsiders. I used to long for my expectation and degrade my reality. It wasn’t until I realized that while our love was totally different to someone else’s, it could still give the same effect I was longing for, if I let it. Once I opened my heart to that, my marriage was 10 times better. While you can have a certain and specific expectation, it’s not until you learn and get to know the kind of love between you are your other half that your expectations will be far exceeded because there really won’t be another love like yours.
The percentage of give and take won’t always be 50/50.
Unfortunately this took me way too long to figure out. I always expected to receive as much as I gave and to be honest I would get upset if it was anything less. I would get angry at my husband because I didn’t feel like he was fairly reciprocating my efforts. I realize now that was really wrong and unfair of me. A partnership requires 2 people to compromise and to pick up each other’s slack when we just aren’t able to cope. That’s what I have come to understand. Sometimes I am required to give more because my husband doesn’t have the capacity to at the time and it’s my job to make it a little easier. He does the same for me. We won’t always be able to match up at the same time but it doesn’t matter because who’s keeping count? The moment I realized that, I became a lot happier and so did my husband because I wasn’t always on his case and being ungrateful. It’s not always going to be 50/50, and I’m ok with that.
Don’t dwell on the past, but learn from it.
I hate to say it but I used to be a big past dweller. If there was any chance to bring up a past argument or mistake I would jump at it just to prove a point. This was and is an unfair thing to do because then it discredits the efforts made to improve from there. I feel like I’ve gotten better at it but I’m sure I still slip up. I feel like when we have disagreements now, they are more productive because I’m not trying to prove a point based on the past. Also, because we have been able to learn from what didn’t work and try something new. I don’t hate disagreements as much anymore because mostly they end up being productive.
Listening to hear is better than listening to reply.
I am so bad at this. Even though I know it, I still struggle with it. I have this annoying thing where I have to be heard and I have to be right but even though I know that’s not the point or the best way to go, I’ll still do it. I feel like I’ve gotten better; at least I hope. I find I learn more and things are a lot quicker when I listen to hear when my husband talks rather than listening and thinking of my comeback. Often things end better than if I had of chosen to say something back.
Memories are more important than anything else.
We all know the struggle of being a newly married couple. It starts with P and ends with oor. Whatever your circumstance, it seems that the minute you get married, poor is the automatic status you get. One thing that used to frustrate me would be the lack of funds we had to do things or go places. I associated spending money with living and having a good time. That’s not to say I was someone who liked to spend, because I don’t. I like to save and then treat myself/my husband. But at the start of our marriage, I would get upset because we couldn’t afford to go out to dinner or we couldn’t afford to go and do fun things for date night. As time went on and our financial situation improved slightly, I came to realize that I had been wasting time being sad about what we couldn’t do, instead of finding alternatives to do. Now, I enjoy spending time rather than money with my husband. We love to do stuff together and take the opportunity to create memories rather than spend money on things that give us temporary happiness. Yes, we still spend money on dates but we have started to get creative with our dates and do things that allow us to get competitive or take photos or anything that will encourage memories rather than just a bill. Money isn’t everything and at the end of the day, it’s the memories you are left with; not the money or material things you bought.
Nothing is too hard to overcome if you do it together.
Me and my husband had a rough start to our marriage and at one point we didn’t know if it was going to get better, or even work out. We were both at a pretty low point. We saw where and what our end goal was but we just couldn’t find the road to get there. It seemed that every effort we made ended in a dead end and we were back at square one. It was a never ending cycle that we couldn’t get out of and it just didn’t seem worth it anymore. The problem we had was we both tried to overcome our personal demons on our own. We decided what worked for us and then let each other know, and then individually worked it out. Unfortunately, because we relied on ourselves, we never got far because we were already stuck in a cycle and we were the ones keeping it going. It wasn’t until we started working together that things started to improve. My husband allowed me to give constructive criticism and he often checked in with me on his progress. I would often do the same. Once we made ourselves accountable to each other, we were able to get back on track and ultimately save our marriage. Anything is better when it’s conquered with two. Don’t forget your other half is there and waiting for you to let them know how to help. Don’t forget that’s why they’re there. We did and it took a lot longer to remember how to let us help each other again.
When all is said and done, you’re my best friend.
It doesn’t matter how many arguments or disagreements we have. It doesn’t matter how mad or annoyed or frustrated you make me. It doesn’t matter how much you make me want to strangle you.. You’ll always be my best friend. You chose me to do life with and whatever this life brings, it’s ours to tackle. I wouldn’t want to do life with anyone but you. You constantly teach me things about life, about myself and about the world we live in. You keep me sane and you help me focus. You are my driving force and my ultimate inspiration. Find someone who compliments you and makes you a better you. Find someone who is your true ride or die, someone who will laugh at your silly jokes and make you feel good about yourself. Find the one person you can’t live without, and marry them. I did, and it was the best decision I have ever made.
Happy anniversary my love. I love you. Thank you for all you do.
Mrs Yolo xo