Do you ever look at your life and think, surely I’m capable of so much more? Do you ever have those ideas that you know you would do amazing at but have no idea where to start? I do.
I have this overwhelming desire to be more than I currently am. Whether it is being more within myself or doing more with my life or just being more in every aspect of life. I have this constant need to be more.
I suppose to be specific, I want to do more with my life. Right now I feel like I’m on cruise control on a straight road to wherever it is I’m headed. There is no speed variance, no turns, no traffic and no scenery. I’ll have days where my car breaks down and I’m stuck for a while, but then something in me sparks and I fix the problem and keep on going; but the destination never changes. I NEED it to change.
I have so many ideas and projects I want to start but there is one thing stopping me.. ME. I know I have the ability to do and be anything I want but there’s something in me that just won’t let me be that. Call it doubt or fear or whatever you want, but that something is stopping me from being what I know I can be.
While there are so many contributing factors to my lack of trying, the biggest is myself and the excuses I make not to try. I’ve gotten very good at making excuses for everything. I don’t want to fail, what will everyone think of me, how do I start? I don’t know how, I don’t have time, I’m not creative enough, not enough money, not enough motivation, no one will like it, and the list goes on. Looking through my excuses, a few things kind of jump out at me about myself.
I lack confidence. I know I’ve mentioned before that I’m working on my confidence, but the fact that it’s hindering my progress in achieving the life I want, is pretty dumb. I know I can do it if I really want to, but having the confidence to actually start, despite not knowing what will happen next, is something I don’t quite have just yet.
I’m too worried what others will think. I’ve always tried to be an advocate to myself and those around me for not really caring what others will think because we all know haters gonna hate, but I’ve never actually put in writing all the reasons I won’t start something. And now looking at it, I’m way too concerned about what others think. I am not even taking my own advice about the mentality of who cares. No matter whether I fail or succeed, the haters will still find a reason to doubt, tear me down or nit pick at every little thing. I have to realise that I can’t keep living my life based on what others might do or think because it’s not allowing me to live the life I want or deserve.
My self doubt is overwhelming. It’s not until you verbalize things that you realise how much it’s affecting you. I’ve been brought up with the knowledge that I can achieve anything I want to and my husband constantly pushes me to be all I can be, yet my level of self assurance is not yet equal to that of my husband or my family. Whether it’s because of previous life experiences or just my unhealthy mentality, it’s not something I’m very proud to say. I have to remember that there is no way to improve or increase my self belief and self assurance than to start and see I actually can. There’s no point internalizing things that haven’t happened yet, because the reality of them actually happening is 50/50. I can’t keep putting things off for that half chance of it not working. At the end of the day, if I tried, I need to commend myself for that because it’s more than what I was doing and what most people won’t do.
I’m so concerned about what I lack that I can’t move past it. At one point in life, I didn’t know what I know now, and that didn’t stop me from carrying on so why is it stopping me now? If I lack the knowledge, I’ll continue to lack it until I do something to gain it. If I lack motivation, I won’t get anywhere if I don’t push through it. If I lack time, make the time. If I keep focusing on what I lack, there is no vision to see what I could gain. My mentality is somewhat negative at this point and I know now I need to make it more positive. The only way to move is forward and negativity never helped anyone.
I’m the biggest excuse maker ever. Since when did I become an excuse person? I didn’t even realise how bad I had gotten until I started writing this post. My husband has pointed it out before but I brushed it off and thought that’s not me. But it really is. Since when was I ok with myself making excuses? I’m pretty disappointed in myself and the fact that I’ve let myself get so far away from who I once was and who I know I can be. I worked so hard to become the girl I loved and to now recognize I’m no longer that girl; it’s a pretty tough blow. No more excuses.. I can’t be that anymore.
I have an overwhelming desire to be more than I am. To do more than I am. That desire is burning within me and I no longer have any excuses. I know what’s stopping me and I’m the only one who can change that. I know what I need to do and I know what I shouldn’t do. Whether I succeed or not, is irrelevant based on the fact that as long as I tried, I succeeded because for that space of time, I was more than what I am right now.
It’s time to turn off the cruise control and be aware of my speed. It’s time to make this road interesting and add some excitement to my journey. I’m no longer accepting a destination of nowhere; I’m headed somewhere. Where that is, you’ll have to stay tuned to find out..
Mrs Yolo xoxo