Is it just me or do you also feel like you’re always right?
This week I wanted to talk about the forever existent world of arguments. Now I know I’m not the only one who sits there while you’re arguing and is so adamant that your point is right; that no matter what your spouse says, you are right. I’m so guilty of this it’s not even funny.
I feel like this post is going to be more for me than anyone else but hey, it must be done!
I will openly admit that I am one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. I’ve said it before in my previous post, I don’t like change when it comes to my opinions etc. And I guess I should add, I don’t really like being wrong. I like to think that the person on the other side of my argument is not right and doesn’t have a chance.
I’m really bad at this. And last week I was really bad.
I have trouble with dropping things and letting things go; I guess I’ve kinda always been that way but I feel like it’s intensified since meeting my hubby. I’m not sure why but I have an extra hard time being wrong with him.
So here’s me on two ends of the spectrum; one minute I’ll be yelling, then I’ll be speaking calmly and nicely (like how your mum does when you’re being naughty in public and she’s got that little scary smile) and then I’ll go full on silent treatment. Now I don’t know why I’m like this; my hubby seems to think it’s because I got so used to debating with my dad when I was younger (we clashed a lot because of how similar we are) and so now I just keep going, and maybe a part of me agrees. But I also think it’s because I want to feel like I’m independent and that I can have control. The funny thing is, I’m so adamant on being right, that even when I know I’m wrong, I’ll still fight like I’m right. I’m so weird.
I feel like because of how our marriage was in the beginning, I feel like I may be over compensating now. I say this because I felt like I didn’t have a lot of control and I had to just submit for fear of upsetting my hubby. I feel like now I am trying to be the one in control when I don’t need to be. We are in such a good place that there is no need for a controller. It’s simply teamwork and communication.
After I get upset and things have cooled down, I always wonder why I stay so mad. I love being close to my hubby; I love letting him look after me and I love being there for him. When I’m upset at him, I don’t do this so it confuses me as to why I stay that way. Sometimes I think I’m borderline evil when I stay mad at Manu.
So what am I doing to fix it? Or how can I start?
Well, one thing to work on is communication. I like to believe I’m this super strong, independent woman who doesn’t need help from anyone. I tell myself that I don’t need to share how I feel because that just causes problems and then everyone becomes unhappy; that’s not the case. I’m slowly learning that the more I bundle things up and keep it inside, the more hurt I’m causing firstly on myself, and secondly on my hubby because after bottling everything up for so long, once the fuse is lit, there’s no stopping me. I have to learn how to communicate how I feel and what’s going on in my head. I have to stop bottling things up and believing that communicating is weakness. Strength in marriage comes with teamwork; and if my hubby doesn’t know what’s going on, how are we supposed to tackle it together? The first step for me is COMMUNICATE.
I have no idea whether it’s a woman thing or not, (and I don’t want to burden the whole woman race with my weaknesses), but, letting go of things is so hard. Whether it’s for payback or not, I find it so hard. My hubby says it’s because of my pride; some of which I have to agree. But then the other part of me is like no, I genuinely can’t let it go. I fear it’s a part of my genetic make up and I have no way to change it, but I’m determined! To let it go is the second step for me. But how do I do this? I feel like I need to pick and choose my battles in terms of priority. I already know my hubby is going to say something without thinking first, and I already know he will occasionally have bouts of word vomit, as do I, but I need to make that conscious effort to accept that it’s going to happen and not let myself get stressed over it. Instead of punishing him for his mistake, I could be redirecting my anger into being productive and helping him see that thinking first is better for both of us. But in saying that, I need to watch what I say too because if I’m being honest, us women can be pretty sharp when it comes down to it, and I know for sure I fall into that. I have to cause less stress for myself and LET IT GO.
I guess something that goes hand in hand with the previous one would be to be humble. In terms of being able to accept my faults, recognizing my own weaknesses and realizing the part I play in disagreements. I guess that’s the biggest challenge for me in the heat of the moment; being humble enough to stop and think about those things. It’s not until after when I’ve cooled down and when I stop building myself up in my head, that I realise the need to be humble. I will admit it is one of my biggest flaws but it is something I will continue to work on. To stop and BE HUMBLE is my next step.
Which I guess brings me to my fourth point: in moments of heat and anger, calm down! For me this is so hard because once I get fired up, I can go all night. (I know what you’re probably thinking, I’m horrible! But I have to keep it real, if not for you, for myself). I feel like once something goes down I automatically go into battle mode. There’s no chance of take backsies and certainly no hour of redemption until I’m ready to allow it. That’s so wrong and unfair. Who am I to determine when a sorry is acceptable. A sorry is a sorry and I need to recognise that. I feel like in my head I think oh hell no you did not just do that and then I keep talking to myself in my head and getting myself fired up; like who does that?! I need to stop being a team of me against my poor hubby and his man faults. He tries really hard and I know that. I just need to CALM DOWN!
I’m so quick to blame everyone else and lastly myself. No matter what I don’t want to accept that possibly I had something to do with the problem. Surely that’s not just me? I know I have a part to play in everything, whether big or small, but I have to start openly admitting and accepting that. So my next point would be: accept the blame. Now I’m not saying it’s your job to accept the blame from your hubby or whoever, because it’s not fair to be passing blame anyway. What I’m saying is, it’s my responsibility to accept my own part in the situation and accept my own blame. (That’s probably horrible English but it’s the best way I could word it for myself). Instead of me sitting and putting all the blame on my hubby in my head, I should be reflecting on what I did to help fuel the fire; because ultimately that’s what we do in an argument; we fuel the fire until it or we, burn out. I know I’m not perfect, none of us are, but I need to perfect being accountable for myself. So, ACCEPTING THE BLAME, is my next area of improvement.
While I have so many things I need to work on, my last and I guess most important, is forgiving. I need to be better at forgiving and forgetting. Forgiving not just my hubby, but myself as well. It doesn’t matter how perfect we get at working together, there’s always going to be an argument here or there. I just have to remember that it’s not the end of the world and when all is said and done, we can make it through anything together. I have to stop dwelling on what was and focus on moving forward. And I don’t mean just saying I forgive you, but really meaning it. Letting go of negative thoughts, dropping the attitude, and just being happy again. Yes arguments suck, but we shouldn’t need to keep the feelings there. I really need to work on that. So my last and I think most important one is yes, FORGIVE. Really forgive.
So after all of that, I’d like to say that while it has given me some self reflective moments, I probably will keep messing up, like I said; I’m not perfect. But I’ll keep trying. To me, my hubby is way more important than any argument, struggle or trial we have. While I know there will be more, if I can work on my attitude now, maybe by the time they come, I’ll be ready.
If I can do it, so can you.
Let me know how you get on. If you’ve already conquered it, let me know.. I’d love to hear how you did it.
Mrs Yolo xoxo